So you want to start a Competitive BBQ Team huh?

Disclaimer for those with a lack of humor - this is meant to a be light-hearted satire filled guide, poking fun at every BBQ stereotype. And the Dallas Cowboys.

In The Beginning...

A group of guys with a love of meat while being under the influence of beer is usually the origin of an idea for starting a Competitive BBQ Team. Backside elements such as avoiding weekend chores from the wife, the Dallas Cowboy's season has finished early - again, and an opportunity to beat the male chest in a gorilla-like fashion while touting oneself as the BBQ King also factor in.

What does competing mean in the long run? What is the attraction to the lack of sleep, careful planning and execution, and grit involved in a BBQ competition? Why do folks travel all over the country with self-supported logistics - dissecting the fine line of good and great - to either have success or go home defeated while taking a financial and egotistical hit? For the majority - it is simple. The allure of being outdoors amongst your BBQ brethren with food, fellowship and fun is the reason. You may leave with an empty pocket or hurt feelings because reality just woke you up with a 39th place out of 40 in the Rib Category but one thing that won't leave you is the overall experience.

After all this and you still desire to start a team - then your heart and mind are in the right place and the next question you must ask yourself is "How do I begin?" First put that beer down and knock out the chores because your wife isn't going anywhere and the Dallas Cowboys are still mediocre.

The "Honey-Do" List of BBQ.

Before dreaming of which Texas lake you'll be using the new rod and reel bought with your first place brisket cash, you must first have a plan for your new team. Start by having a name. This is critical because it defines who you are. At this monumental moment in your life, you become a brand and if you do well and ride the competition circuit, you will forever be known as the brand you've created. The Meat Monkeys, Rib-kateers, and BBQ Bunny Rabbits are all good and great but make sure it's internally agreed upon and t-shirt worthy.

Secondly - recognize each team member's strengths and weaknesses. This can take many weekends of backyard smoking for the time sensitive proteins like brisket and pork butt and multiple weeknights for the lesser timed products such as ribs and chicken. You may have to sit on your pride with this one because your buddy's brisket may pack a heavier punch than yours. BBQ crybabies are not allowed nor a great team name...self-chosen or involuntarily given.

Team sizes are usually dictated within competition rules so it's important to gain familiarity with each competition's guide. Because of the "too many chiefs - not enough Indians" analogy, choosing a head cook would be wise. Sometimes overlooked but equally important is having an extra hand or "yuk monkey". They may be your greatest asset since the cooks are busy being face first in smoke. Someone crossing the T's and dotting the I's behind the scenes is crucial to the team mechanics and overall success. Ask any great Pitmaster this and if they don't agree - then they're struggling somewhere. Let's put it this way, a truck will be idle without fuel, oil and Waylon Jennings on the stereo right!?

The next important - no the most critical step in the team formation process is the smoker and wood choice. Dependent upon the amount of categories you choose to enter or pounds of protein you will be cooking is how you should gauge the smoker size. That should also be a good indication of how many strings of wood will be needed as well as charcoal and wood pellet amount.

A shout out to the self-appointed safety experts reading this - a fire extinguisher within arms reach would be a smart idea too. Of course we all have that buddy who says, "Here. Hold this," while handing you his can of Budweiser then proceeding to remove his shirt before doing something incredibly stupid. For our wannabe Evil Knievals - first-aid kits can be found at your local retail giant and should be kept on site.

Alright so you have all your supplies and you're ready to do battle - but have you thought about being prepared for the outdoor elements? Learn the site size your team will be allotted and bring canopies. A gorgeous sunny day is your best friend until you find yourself over-cooked and miserable. Of course be ready for the opposite of sun as well - rain, wind, and in case of the Armageddon - you're on your own. Researching how different weather can effect cooking should not be taken lightly. Mother Nature may be a vegetarian.

As far as manning the pit for 14 hours - you may want to have lawn chairs and comfortable footwear. If you're not allowed to have an RV right near the cook-site and must sleep on a cot - bring insect repellent. Reminded of the legendary Far Side comic where the explorers grab an aerosol can of "ON" instead of "OFF" and being swarmed by mosquitos is not the situation you want to find yourself in. Repellent candles are environmentally friendly, economical and very efficient in the war against bugs. If you choose to bring your wife or girlfriend along - let her choose the scent. She'll appreciate being a "valued" team member. This is one of many ways to include a woman in a predominately "male" hobby but you never know...she may be the next Diva Q.

Meat Management: 101

Assuming that everything is going smoothly and your buddy hasn't done anything incredibly stupid - meaning your first-aid kit hasn't been cracked open - it's now time to cook and deliver. Keep in mind that while cooking, keeping proper sanitation of your team site is not only a judge-worthy category but also the right thing to do. No one wants to die from food poisoning because of unclean cooking practices and cross-contamination. Health coordinators are usually on-site and will enforce sterile technique. Standards should never be compromised. As far as littering, most of us remember the commercial where the lone Indian sheds a single tear because trash is covering the beautiful land in the background - don't be the team to bring a tear to anyone's eye.

Be prepared for having the meat ready for inspection prior to cooking. Attempting to gain a head start over your competition by injecting, soaking/marinating, and pre-cooking are some of the methods used and is like playing baseball on steroids. Bottom line, you will get yourself disqualified. Temperatures for meat inspection before cooking are on average 40* and after cooking - an average temperature of 140* must be maintained. This is where thermometers shouldn't be forgotten back at home and again, read the rules!

Keeping a close watch on the clock for judging times should be everyone's job. The Army saying that "two is one and one is nothing," is a general rule of thumb in preparation for field operations. I would recommend having a designated location for two - not one - but two clocks set simultaneously. Different meats cook at different speeds (depending on weight of course) which will need to be closely monitored and coordinated with the judging times for each category. As Twitter follower Nick Dunin (@atcNick) suggested - have a timeline written out as you cook because minor steps can easily be missed while staggering times.

With a mix of American ingenuity and intentional gluttony - we have attempted to deep fry any kind of food possible for State Fair awards. You could say this occurs within the BBQ community as the "Mystery" category is frequently found in competitions. This addition can get the creative juices flowing and piques interest among judges, teams and the public alike. Here's your opportunity to become a free-spirited meat hippie.

We're all winners.

A quote from Texas Monthly Barbecue editor Daniel Vaughn to me is forever seared into my mind. "With great barbecue comes great humility." So your team entered with high expectations but didn't make the top three in any category. Take it on the chin this time and continue to perfect your cooking skills and in the meantime become ready for the next competition. Learn as much and as often as given the chance!

Many competitions are tied into charities and helping the less fortunate is more rewarding than an animal shaped trophy any day. When you have the opportunity to help those in need by elevating your hobby to the next level - humbling experiences can be taken away from this - that is if your heart and mind are in the right place. There are many charity organizations available who hold cook-offs and I implore you to seek them out.

So - what does competing mean in the long run? I cannot give you the answer. That's something for you to discover but I will be glad to join anyone's team if they need a "yuk monkey". I'm pretty good at emptying cans of Budweiser and cleaning but when it comes to jokes - you won't find me anywhere near the top three. Ask my ex-girlfriends. Now get out there and beat your chest.